Freshman presidential candidate and self- proclaimed “herbology” major George McCabe and his vice presidential running mate, business major Sean Campbell, come into the 2014 student government election with a long history of working well together.
“After the 1984 national team racquetball run made by these two gentlemen, there has been a chemistry that has persevered through many hardships and difficult times,” McCabe says through his spokesman and in the presence of his legal detail.
The two men of Zahm have some swift changes to student life planned, if elected this week.
McCabe and Campbell first hope to change the color of the golden dome. “Mr. McCabe is under the opinion that purple would be a better color,” McCabe’s spokesman says.
Campbell says that while the change might not be immediate, it would ultimately be worth it. “I think it’d take a few years, but hopefully soon, it’d be purple,” Campbell says.
The ticket has plans to overhaul elements of Notre Dame’s food and drink culture as well. “Mr. McCabe has made an important bulletin in his campaign,” his spokesman says, “to have affordable food on campus.” McCabe seeks to lower the price of “quarter dogs” without changing the name or thusly harming “the sacred tradition.”
The candidates also hope to work with the local proprietor Belmont Beverage to allow students to makes purchases there using Flex Points. “We hope to foster more of a relationship with the owners of that establishment,” McCabe’s spokesman says. “Of course this would only apply to people 21 and older. George is very key on that — 21 means 21.”
When pushed for further details of their platform, McCabe’s spokesman and legal detail swooped in, saying, “I think we’ve said too much. We need to save some material for the debate.”
McCabe would let slip, however, that upon his election he plans to arrange a trip to Disney World, with details to be determined at a later date. He also feels “… what could be described as remorse for the other candidates. Pity and empathy as well.”
And while neither McCabe nor Campbell would comment on their on-campus home, Zahm House, they did stick by the statements of last year’s Zahm candidates, who vowed to discontinue Scholastic and use all existing copies as toilet paper for children in Bangladesh.
“Under the longstanding tradition of presidential candidate infallibility, we cannot, of course, expect to invalidate the plans of a previous candidate,” McCabe’s spokesman says.
McCabe and Campbell, saying they are modeling their campaigns not on any famous or infamous politicians but rather “on [themselves,]”refuse to move forward on any issues that do not deserve change. “We will not ever sacrifice tradition in the name of progress,” McCabe’s spokesman says.
When asked why McCabe is running for student body president, he indicates his motivation “to win.” When asked why he wanted to win, McCabe’s spokesman looks up with an assured gaze and says, “I believe it’s because that’s all Mr. McCabe knows how to do.”